Mind Over Matter - A Ballet Experiment

Ballerina Kim in 2006 (what a skinny b)

Lately I've been feelings very negative towards myself and my self image. I know it is in my head, but we are all our own worst critic. I've always had this love-hate relationship with ballet. I love it, but at the same time it's physically torturous and you're standing in a mirror wearing skin clenching clothing. I've never considered myself big, but in a leotard you can't hide the jelly rolls. I turned 27 in January and my metabolism turned off.

Growing up, my mother rarely gave us advice that worked, but one thing she usually said was "mind over matter." Yesterday, I was dreading ballet (which happens on Tuesdays), mostly because I decided that stretching was not a top priority and I ate, A LOT. I Googled things that a young dancers should worry about,  more than the casual adult dancer: improve balance, extension, pirouettes. Some of the things I found were helpful, probably more helpful if I were younger.

Now I am the class clown and always have been. I also take class from 8pm - 9:30pm on a Tuesday after working a full day job. By the time class starts I'm either really full and chubby because I ate, or starving and moody. I think you'll also realize that my attention span is that of a goldfish and I can't tell my left from right anymore. I also am very sleepy. Despite these challenges, I show up every week and just dance because it's fun. Can't explain it.

While driving to class I decided that I would test my mom's mind over matter technique, while combining some of the things that I learned from the Internets. I was not expecting a 180-degree turn out or magical splits. I get that those things take time, but I decided that I would focus. I envisioned myself rocking the combinations, sticking balances, and turning better than ever. I also told the class my experiment, mostly so I could hold myself accountable.

At first, focusing was a challenge, but I tried harder than I use to. What I really wanted to do was balance and turn better. During balances I made sure to remember all my tips and envisioned myself rocking it. The first half of class, the jury was still out as to whether the method was working. It was when we were turning across the floor did it actually work. In the past, when I turn I just am wobbly and anti-graceful. I imagined prepping well, having a high leg, turning, and landing perfectly. I just kept focusing on that vision. I also heard my teacher scream: KNEE back. For some reason, all the things aligned (physically and metaphorically). I not only nailed one pirouette, but also pulled off a double (mostly by accident). It was a feeling that I have only felt once before in 2008.

So was this my mind over matter or was it shear luck. I have to say, I was not perfect, but for the first time I felt accomplished in class and satisfied by the end of class. I will definitely experiment for a few more weeks.

Product Review: Cottonelle Fresh Care Flushable Cleansing Cloths

I am not sure where this product has been all my life. These wipes are exactly what I to feel fresh after using the restroom.

The first thing that I noticed when I set up the dispenser was how soft the wipes were and how nice they smelled. They remind me of baby wipes, so I call them grown up wipes.

I talked to my mom about them when I received them. She said she already used them and loved them. Suddenly, I felt like it was the slow adopter.

As expected, the wipes were soft and felt good. The scent was not overwhelming and it felt refreshing. I would definitely continue purchasing these.

Product Review: Meet Jonah the Sea-nic Adventures Sleeping Bag

This is my amazing gift from Johnny. A human-sized whale sleeping bag, which I will use as a snuggie because I do not camp. I also recently learned of my fur-whale fetish. It feels so right being inside this whale cuddly. If I could wear him to work, I would. From what I understand, it is not a social norm to appear in a whale sleeping bag.

I'm not sure that the product would actually be comfortable in a real-life camping situation, but it is very soft and warm. It is possible to fit two small people inside, but definitely a squeeze for two. Cleaning may not be easy, so no eating or drinking inside the whale.

There is a snap to make sure the mouth does not close over the head while sleeping. I find myself also using Jonah as a yoga mat. He's even attacked some of my other stuffed animal.

Once again, ModCloth.com is one of my favorite online store, and where this product was sold. Definitely special thanks to John who took the initiative to purchase it. Jonah has brought quite a lot of joy.

Mid-September Update

I've reached an all time low with my happiness project. I dare say that I am downright miserable. This is health month so I scheduled my doctor's appointments and already went to the eye doctor. I started ballet and I'm officially one month into my new job. By any other means these things would be accomplishments, but instead I feel the opposite. Many people can try to convince me otherwise, but how I feel inside, is how I feel.

Let's start the pity party. I left a job where I was an expert to pursue my dream job. I am sad that I am not at expert level. I know this will come in time, but -1 for confidence. I've been dancing ballet on and off again for 10 years. This is the first time I've looked in the mirror and not liked what I see. The eye doctor says I only need to wear glasses for distance, driving, night-time, and computer (so basically all the time). I'm struggling to find balance.
I feel like the more I try to get a grasp of one thing, another thing falls to pieces. I realize that I'm stressing myself out for no reason, but these things are compounding and I feel like I'm losing it. As a Guest once said:

"You can have all the most beautiful flowers in the world, but I'm not a millionaire."  At first glance it seems like the ramblings of an angry theme park guest, and that may be true, but for some reason this quote years later has stuck with me. It's essentially saying you can have everything and if you make the best of it, then fine; if you don't, then you'll never be happy.

Another thing is that for the first second time in my life, I'm letting some random person dictate my a particular happiness, but unlike the past, this time I actually care. Because I care, I will fight tooth and nail for this happiness. I'll be the first to admit that I pass judgment quickly and harshly. It's not the person as much as the overall feeling of disrespect no matter how true or false a situation is. I'll leave it at that.

So all this combined stuff has done a number of my sanity and confidence. Pity party table for one, my table is ready. I'm playing the world's smallest violin. I suspect that I will just keep going and see what happens. Work smarter, not harder.

Happiness Project: August 2013 - Have Fun Recap

This month was quite interesting. I've had a lot of highs and lows while trying to maintain this month's goals of "Having Fun." I was successful in the fact that I had many adventures that I would have never done, but it was usually only during that time where fun occurred.

This month's goals were to:

• Take local adventures and do fun things. 
• Spend Out
• Take Time
• Say Yes

Spend out I went a little overboard when I went clothes shopping. It was necessary though as my wardrobe is extremely out date. Of course, now I feel much more confident. Spending out is definitely opposite of my character, but it didn't kill me. I think I've learned to balance being frugal with spending enough to be happy. 

I made it a point to have at least one local adventure each weekend. Some of my favorites include the Windermere Food Truck round up, FunSpot, and starting a new job. I also started reading a bunch of adventure books. My adventures were sidelined this past weekend due to a death in my immediate circle. 

September is a not fun month "Get Healthy." The goals of this month:

• Eat well
• Get checked up
• Remove anger
• De-stress

I think my first stop will be the eye doctor. In my old age, it turns out that my vision is horrible. I'll also be starting ballet again on Tuesday. 

A Poem for John

Waves crash on a beach, and I think of you. 
Your smile is as bright as the midday sun.
Your hair the color of foam riding high atop a wave. 
Your kindness and generosity are a beacon in the storm. 
I think of you. 

Gone too soon and my heart feels heavy. 
You close your eyes and you are no longer suffering. 
The sudden pain you felt as your body betrayed you is over now.
Yet your eyes give new life to a lucky soul. 

The cancer came fast. 
A moment of riding high upon the waves, then crashing hard against the surf.
It didn't feel real and certainly not fair.
It is unforgiving,
But you knew. 
You knew anguish and despair,
Which is why you lived and in turn, showed others how to live.

I can see you now. You are at peace. 
The sun is setting. 
I imagine your relief.
You will pave the way for us and we will care for yours.
Farewell surfer dude.
I think of you. 

Rest In Peace John Havenner. 

In Defense of SeaWorld - A response to the Blackfish bias

First and foremost, let me say that I love whales and dolphins. I am the biggest advocate for education and conservation of all marine mammals. I've traveled around the U.S. observing marine mammals in the wild and in various aquarium institutions.

The Blackfish Bias

I have seen the Blackfish documentary and read the reviews of thousands of people jumping onto the bandwagon. There is no doubt that the story of Shamu trainer Dawn Brancheau and Tilikum is tragic. It is also a shame that animals are kept in captivity, but the Blackfish mob seemingly ignores the bias.

Of course whales and other large animals should not be in captivity, but setting them free is not the answer. Nor is refusing to go to a location, in hopes that the place will shut down. I think the opposite effect would happen. Institutions that lose funding or find decrease profits will cut corners in an attempt to save money, which will include staffing and animal care resulting in more deaths and accidents.

If we could go back to the 1960s when the first whales were captured and placed in captivity, then by all means let's do that.  In the meantime, these animals are here, they need to be cared for, their minds stimulated, and their basic needs met.

I'd guess that most of those people who are banging their anti-captivity drums have actually been to an aquarium housing whales or dolphins. I would even go far to say that the first place many people have seen a live whale or dolphin was in an aquarium. For me, I was three years old when my parents brought me to see Shamu in San Diego. That moment, luckily captured on film, when I dropped a dead fish into a dolphin's mouth, was the exact moment that sparked my love for marine mammals.

How many people would make that connection and spark that love for whales if they had to travel and seek such animals? I saved for two years, so I could travel to Alaska and see killer whales in the wild. The moment was magically life affirming, but fleeting. A glimpse of a dorsal fin, the puff of an exhale from the side of the boat, then gone. People don't care for things they cannot see. As much as anyone would hate to admit it, aquariums bridge that connection between animal and human.

Release is not an option

Release and rehabilitation works for some animals. SeaWorld's Animal Rescue and Rehabilitation group releases injured and rehabilitated sea turtles, sea lions, and manatees all the time. In fact, most aquariums partner in some way with either through on-site services or providing funding to help sick or injured animals. This is a win-win because the animals get helped and we learn a little more about them.

Then there are creatures that just cannot be released because they are either too sick or injured, or they were born in captivity. Imagine being raised in America you whole life, then suddenly deported to the jungle with no medication, no food, and no conveniences that you are used to. There are some that say they can develop a process to help with the transition, but in the end, things are never the same. (i.e. Tom Hanks in Cast Away).

Even whales that are released often come in contact with humans and sometimes these interactions are not as friendly as one would imagine. Don't forget that some countries still allow whaling for meat and "research."

There are two whales that I can think of off the top of my head who have been released after living in captivity: "Free Willy" a/k/a Keiko and J.J. the Gray Whale. The release of Keiko hit fever pitch after the Free Willy movies. He spent six years rehabilitating to 'normal' killer whale life before leaving human care. There is no argument that this was time well spent, as he enjoyed the best of both worlds. Then in December 2003, a year after being left to be a whale, Keiko died.

J.J. the Gray Whale was found abandoned by its mother. She was taken into captivity for rehabilitation. J.J. is only the second Gray Whale to be held in captivity as they are large and difficult to care for due to the krill they eat. She grew bigger and healthier thanks to her care takers. Then she was fitted with a tracker and released during the time of Gray Whale migration. Her tag eventually fell off and it is unknown what became of her.

I'm not saying that all releases will end in death, but perhaps the knee-jerk reaction of releasing all whales, some being in captivity for 20 years or more, is not the best plan.

How is a whale in captivity any different than an elephant or a chimpanzee kept in a zoo? In fact, chimpanzees outrank dolphins in intelligence tests. If you argue for one using the intelligence factor, then the same logic must be applied for the others.

Some Whales Got it Worse

Another argument of anti-captivity propagandist is that whales swim hundreds of miles a day and that keeping them in tanks is inhumane. Fair enough, but to claim that SeaWorld is the biggest violator of this misgiving is playing a straw man argument.

Meet Lolita of the Miami Seaquarium. This is the oldest killer whale in captivity. Her tank is about 1/3 the size of a SeaWorld tank and only 20-feet deep. She shares it with a pair of dolphins and is also forced to perform daily. If ever there were an institution to be angry at, it would be places that don't make the millions of dollars to properly care for their animals. I know this, because I worked there for a week.

Conclusion

There really is no happy answer. You can't further a mission of compassion and conservation without having these animals for public view. The animals will never live their full intended animal life being in captivity.

So while some blame the profit mongering institutions, these same places are allowing millions of people to see these animals up close. Don't worry, the U.S. banned the capture of marine mammals with the Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972. There are ways around this of course by "trading" with countries that do allow capture, but that's a whole other issue.

The message of Blackfish is clear. Captivity bad, freedom good, but SeaWorld is not the enemy, but rather the unfortunate large institution that is being targeted by the propaganda of a half-told story.