Mind Over Matter - A Ballet Experiment

Ballerina Kim in 2006 (what a skinny b)

Lately I've been feelings very negative towards myself and my self image. I know it is in my head, but we are all our own worst critic. I've always had this love-hate relationship with ballet. I love it, but at the same time it's physically torturous and you're standing in a mirror wearing skin clenching clothing. I've never considered myself big, but in a leotard you can't hide the jelly rolls. I turned 27 in January and my metabolism turned off.

Growing up, my mother rarely gave us advice that worked, but one thing she usually said was "mind over matter." Yesterday, I was dreading ballet (which happens on Tuesdays), mostly because I decided that stretching was not a top priority and I ate, A LOT. I Googled things that a young dancers should worry about,  more than the casual adult dancer: improve balance, extension, pirouettes. Some of the things I found were helpful, probably more helpful if I were younger.

Now I am the class clown and always have been. I also take class from 8pm - 9:30pm on a Tuesday after working a full day job. By the time class starts I'm either really full and chubby because I ate, or starving and moody. I think you'll also realize that my attention span is that of a goldfish and I can't tell my left from right anymore. I also am very sleepy. Despite these challenges, I show up every week and just dance because it's fun. Can't explain it.

While driving to class I decided that I would test my mom's mind over matter technique, while combining some of the things that I learned from the Internets. I was not expecting a 180-degree turn out or magical splits. I get that those things take time, but I decided that I would focus. I envisioned myself rocking the combinations, sticking balances, and turning better than ever. I also told the class my experiment, mostly so I could hold myself accountable.

At first, focusing was a challenge, but I tried harder than I use to. What I really wanted to do was balance and turn better. During balances I made sure to remember all my tips and envisioned myself rocking it. The first half of class, the jury was still out as to whether the method was working. It was when we were turning across the floor did it actually work. In the past, when I turn I just am wobbly and anti-graceful. I imagined prepping well, having a high leg, turning, and landing perfectly. I just kept focusing on that vision. I also heard my teacher scream: KNEE back. For some reason, all the things aligned (physically and metaphorically). I not only nailed one pirouette, but also pulled off a double (mostly by accident). It was a feeling that I have only felt once before in 2008.

So was this my mind over matter or was it shear luck. I have to say, I was not perfect, but for the first time I felt accomplished in class and satisfied by the end of class. I will definitely experiment for a few more weeks.