I checked my LiveJournal for the first time in a year, and it turns out I won an award for a FanFiction piece I wrote about Star Trek (2009). It won Best Comedy on this random forum. I do not use LiveJournal anymore, so I'm posting it here for posterity.
Author: MissAstonishing
Title: The Real Cadets of the Starship Enterprise [Episode 1: WWKD]
Rating: PG 13. Nothing too dirty, but it’s getting hot in here.
Characters: Spock, Uhura, Hannity, Kirk, Bones,
Words: 2093
Disclaimer: Of course I own Star Trek, because LJ would be the first place I’d post my work if I did. Sue me Paramount. <3
Summary: A few weeks on the Enterpise and the drama begins to heat up including the reaction to Vulcan mating day.
Author's Notes: This is MissAstonishing’s first fanfic. She hopes it is as funny as she thinks it is. Should this episode prove successful, she will considering writing more. Please leave comments.
"It was," Spock paused trying to find the right word to describe his thought. An all too eager and equally perplexed James T. Too-Many-Women-to-Count Kirk leaned in to hear what his brilliant first officer was about to say.
"It was... pneumatic," Spock lied, suggesting his night with Uhura was more than just the usual mediation and mind meld.
"Pneu...pneumatic!" Kirk said exasperated. "Spock, you had sex, in what I'm guessing is the first time in a long time, if not ever, with the one girl who 95-percent of males on this ship would do and all you can say about it is PNEUMATIC?"
Spock raised an eyebrow. Lowering his voice he said, "I am sorry my, sex life, is not as exciting as yours Mr. Kirk." He thought for a moment. After all, these conversations were not regulation even between Captain and First Officer. He chose to redirect, "not that these matters should concern you, Captain."
"Hey, hey you came to me," Kirk said rolling his eyes. Kirk knew he had gotten all the information he was going to get out of Spock regarding the matter. In fact, he was surprised Spock even admitted it. "Just know that I'm here for you buddy. Whatever questions you might have."
The Vulcan stared into his handheld computer for a moment and continued eating his meal.
Somewhere across the Enterprise, a sweaty Uhura was finishing her work out. A nosy Hannity and two other women stood near by.
"I heard that it's Vulcan mating season," Hannity said loudly. "I did some research and the event only occurs once every seven years. Can you imagine? The poor man."
"Well if his ears are any indication of how well endowed he is," said the other woman giggled.
"I pity the female who he chooses to relieve his primal desires on," sneered Hannity. The three woman glanced towards Uhura and laughed.
She heard them. She wanted to go over and slap each of them, but of course, didn't. Uhura was acutely aware of Hannity's jealousy ever since she had risen to the rank of chief communications officer faster than a Romulan ship through a wormhole. It didn't matter to anyone that she was actually qualified for the job. Rumors, harsh rumors were being spread about her and her relationship with the ship's first officer and sometimes even the Captain. There was even a crazy one about Uhura and Checkov. Nevertheless, she continued at her routine day after day. Their attacks fueled her desire to achieve more.
Uhura stood. She patted her forehead with a towel and walked towards the changing area. Upon passing the gaggle of women she turned and said, "You know Hannity, the Commander is only HALF Vulcan and completely male."
With that she tossed her towel into a bin and continued on her way. A sly smile stretched across her face as she strut. Hannity and the women were left speechless.
--
"Drama, drama, drama," exclaimed Kirk. "I don't know what it is Bones. The whole ship is abuzz about this whole mating season thing. Meanwhile I'm here, not being mated upon at all. I don't understand. They should be all over me. I mean, I am THE captain after all."
"Well, first of all, last time I checked, you are not Vulcan and I'm sure you will find a creative outlet for this problem," Bones said as he continued looking at different monitors.
Completely engrossed in himself Kirk said, "this must be what OTHER people feel like." He shook his head, swung his feet off Bones' desk and left the Medical Bay.
"Just don't...don't throw that Vulcan mating day party you and Sulu were talkin' about," Bones said matter-of-factly before turning to realize Kirk had already left. He sighed.
--
It was late. Only ten point two five more minutes until the third shift was to take over for the night. Spock was unable to focus. He found himself staring at his notepad. What was on the pad, however, was not scientific notes related to any sort of the research the Enterprise was conducting. Instead, "Human Relationships and Mating Rituals by Dr. LeeRoy R. Westheimer" complete with interactive illustrations and video files, filled the screen. The bemused first officer had been studying it all day and for the past three days. Sure, he should have been working, but his mind could not help it, he could make up the work at a later date.
"That's some interesting research you're conducting, Commander," a sultry female voice whispered into his pointed ear, startling him. Spock quickly changed the page and jumped up.
Remaining calm as he spoke, "Lieutenant, you are eight minutes early for your shift."
"I know," she said. She approached him closely and entering his personal bubble. "I just had some unfinished projects I wanted to get your advice on. After all you are my mentor."
"Yes, of course," he said. "What would you like me to review?"
A few items came up on the monitor. Spock turned to examine the data. He was all business.
"Would you like a cupcake?" she asked playfully. "I think you will find that food, is the best way to a human's heart."
As he turned to look at what she brought, her graceful hand shoved a piece into his mouth. Fascinating. His mother use to make such cakes in cup form on the anniversary of his birth. Although his face showed no emotion, he did enjoy it quite a bit.
"You like it?" she asked seductively.
Spock responded the only way he knew how. "Lieutenant Hannity, you know sustenance is not permitted in anywhere outside of the mess hall or private quarters." She scowled. "I shall not report you, but do not let it happen again."
Hannity feeling ballsy sucked on her frosting covered index finger and nodded in acknowledgment.
"I'm sorry Spock. Sometimes, I get these desires for succulent things," she whispered. She was so close. Every inhale he took smelled like her recently consumed chocolate cupcake.
Just as Spock was about to say something the research station doors opened. A flustered and shocked Uhura entered and stood for a moment glaring at the pair. And in an instant she turned and was gone. Spock chased immediately after her, leaving Hannity standing alone in the research lab.
Uhura walked quickly to her private quarters. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes.
"Damn it Nyota," she thought to herself. "Wishing only wounds the heart." She should have known better. How could she have been so stupid and naive to think that of all the people in the universe she would be the one to capture his affection.
She rounded a corner and started punching in her open door codes on the pad.
"Access denied."
She punched it again, this time with more fervor.
"Access denied."
"Ugh!" she exclaimed aloud. She was so frustrated.
"Lieutenant!" Spock called from the other end of the hall. He looked as calm as ever. She looked at him with sadness, anger and wonder.
"What do you want?" She said as she once again tried to input her passcode.
Spock came close. He grabbed her wrist before she could finish. She whirled and looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
"I believe you can stand there all day inputting your code into Officer Sulu's door to get the same result," his attempt at breaking the moment with humor failed.
Uhura pulled her wrists back sharply. She marched down the hall to where Spock stood earlier and input her code.
"Access granted. Welcome home Lieutenant Uhura,"
Spock followed her into her private quarters.
"Did I say you could come in?" she demanded her back to him still.
He did not understand why she was upset at him. He did not do anything wrong. Figures a human female would have an overreaction to another female in the presence of a male. His studies did not inform him about what to do in a situation like this, nor did any interactions between his mother and father help.
W-W-K-D he thought to himself. Acting on his human impulse, he once again grabbed the Lieutenant's wrist and pushed her up against the wall - planting a deeply passionate kiss on her lips.
She slapped him, just as she did Kirk at the Iowa bar a little over four years earlier.
"Just what were YOU and Hannity doing in the research lab so late?" She questioned, before she went off on her tirade. "I was waiting for you for nearly five minutes. Do you know what a day I've had? Do you know what type of manipulative person she is?"
Uhura stopped tired and exasperated.
"I was merely eating her cup cake," he responded. "I did not intend on any interaction, but she forced it upon me. Furthermore, I did not anticipate you entering at the exact moment..."
"Well," she cut him off. "I didn't look like you were overly protesting."
"My mother use to make cups of cakes," he began, but stopped realizing it did not matter what he said. "If I have done anything to offend you. I am truly sorry. It was not my intention."
She rolled her eyes. Of course she would forgive him. One look at those deep dark eyes logical eyes and she was done. Her guard instantly let down.
"I wish you knew," she said. "What Hannity and the others on the ship say about you, me."
"I do know," he said with a slight air of sympathy. "As you humans say, 'sticks and stones may cause bodily harm, but words are just units of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation and cannot hurt me.'"
"Almost," she laughed.
She embraced him. They kissed. Her fingers run through his hair to the side of his cheeks and to caress his ears to right to the very tip. Then like a magician's assistant she whipped off his uniform top. Laughs and pounces onto her bed his blue uniform in her hands.
Standing topless he paused for a moment. He tried to recall his research, but it was all blocked out by one voice playing over in his mind. It was Kirk saying "Spock, it'll work." He trusted his instinct, his desires rushed over him. He followed onto her bed. Removing her uniform while simultaneously kissing her body up all the way to her lips. What a rush! The tips of his ears tingled with excitement. His eyebrows fluctuated on his forehead between concerned and amused.
He struggled for a few moment with her bra clasp. No Vulcan fancy finger work prepared him for this moment. Deciding to let her take it off herself, they continued the passion.
"Spock wait!" she said out of breath. Spock immediately stopped his kisses and caresses. "Is it true that Vulcans...that you, are only like this once every seven years?"
"Indeed," he affirmed. She looked disappointed. "But as it is that I am half human male. The desire for female companionship should be about several times a week maybe more, as I see necessary. Do not fret about the math, biology or logic of the situation.."
"Spock..." she cut him off. "I think I love you."
"That is so..." he smirked. "Fascinating."
"Computer. Dim lights," Uhura commanded as the bed covers rustled into the night.
-----
At precisely 0755 hours, Spock walked gallantly onto the bridge. It was empty. He raised an eyebrow. A moment later, Kirk, Sulu, Checkov, and McCoy burst forth from a door on the opposite side of the deck.
"Happy Pon Farr!" They all exclaimed, except McCoy who, instead, rolled his eyes and immediately scanned the Vulcan's body with a portable medical device.
"Congratulations. Looks like you're gonna to live another seven years," McCoy huffed.
Kirk slapped Spock's back. "I see you're alive, Mr. Vulcan stud you." Spock said nothing. He stood hands crossed behind his back amused.
"So what was it REALLY like Spock," Kirk inquired, knowing he was pushing the Vulcan's buttons. "Was it as 'pneumatic' as you previously described?"
"As you will not be surprised Mr. Kirk, I do not have a comment on the matter," Spock responded. "I do, however, find your obsession with such topics fascinating."
"It is a topic, which I am well stud-ied," Kirk said smugly from his chair in the center of the bridge. "And all to all of you. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a member of the opposite sex, just remember W-W-K-D. What Would Kirk Do?"
